The Words from A Father Which Saved Me when I became a New Dad

"I think I was merely in survival mode for the first year."

Ex- Made In Chelsea personality Ryan Libbey thought he would to cope with the challenges of becoming a dad.

Yet the reality quickly proved to be "very different" to what he pictured.

Severe health issues surrounding the birth saw his partner Louise being hospitalised. Abruptly he was forced into acting as her chief support as well as taking care of their newborn son Leo.

"I handled every night time, every nappy change… every stroll. The duty of mother and father," Ryan shared.

After 11 months he became exhausted. That was when a chat with his parent, on a bench in the park, that helped him see he required support.

The straightforward phrases "You aren't in a good place. You require assistance. What can I do to assist you?" paved the way for Ryan to express himself truthfully, ask for help and start recovering.

His situation is commonplace, but seldom highlighted. Although society is now more comfortable addressing the pressure on mums and about PND, not enough is spoken about the difficulties new fathers go through.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to seek assistance

Ryan thinks his challenges are linked to a wider inability to open up among men, who continue to absorb negative notions of manhood.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the fortress that just gets hit and doesn't fall time and again."

"It's not a sign of weakness to ask for help. I didn't do that quick enough," he clarifies.

Mental health expert Dr Jill Domoney, a expert specialising in mental health pre and post childbirth, says men can be reluctant to acknowledge they're having a hard time.

They can believe they are "not the right person to be asking for help" - especially in preference to a mother and child - but she highlights their mental well-being is just as important to the family.

Ryan's heart-to-heart with his dad provided him with the space to take a pause - spending a couple of days away, away from the home environment, to see things clearly.

He realised he had to make a change to pay attention to his and his partner's emotional states in addition to the day-to-day duties of looking after a newborn.

When he was honest with Louise, he realised he'd overlooked "what she longed for" -holding her hand and listening to her.

Self-parenting

That insight has changed how Ryan perceives fatherhood.

He's now composing Leo weekly letters about his experiences as a dad, which he wishes his son will see as he matures.

Ryan hopes these will assist his son to better grasp the language of emotion and make sense of his parenting choices.

The notion of "self-parenting" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since having his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

When he was young Stephen did not have stable male a father figure. Despite having an "wonderful" bond with his dad, profound trauma resulted in his father struggled to cope and was "in and out" of his life, affecting their relationship.

Stephen says repressing emotions led him to make "bad actions" when younger to change how he felt, turning in drink and drugs as an escape from the hurt.

"You gravitate to behaviours that don't help," he explains. "They may short-term modify how you feel, but they will in the end cause more harm."

Strategies for Managing as a New Father

• Talk to someone - if you're feeling overwhelmed, tell a friend, your partner or a professional how you're feeling. It can help to ease the pressure and make you feel more supported.
• Maintain your passions - make time for the pursuits that made you feel like you before becoming a parent. It could be going for a run, meeting up with mates or a favourite hobby.
• Don't ignore the body - nutritious food, physical activity and if you can, getting some sleep, all are important in how your mind is doing.
• Connect with other first-time fathers - listening to their stories, the challenges, and also the good ones, can help to validate how you're feeling.
• Know that seeking help does not mean you've failed - looking after your own well-being is the best way you can care for your household.

When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen naturally found it hard to accept the passing, having had no contact with him for a long time.

Now being a father himself, Stephen's determined not to "continue the chain" with his boy and instead give the stability and nurturing he missed out on.

When his son is about to have a meltdown, for example, they practise "shaking it out" together - expressing the feelings in a healthy way.

The two men Ryan and Stephen explain they have become more balanced, healthier men due to the fact that they acknowledged their struggles, transformed how they express themselves, and learned to regulate themselves for their children.

"I have improved at… processing things and handling things," states Stephen.

"I expressed that in a message to Leo last week," Ryan says. "I wrote, at times I think my purpose is to instruct and tell you how to behave, but actually, it's a two-way conversation. I am discovering as much as you are through this experience."